Prop 8 Depression - Sigh

I went to the Supreme Court building this morning with such hope. I had images of hugs and tears and shouts of joy. They handed me a sign that said "We all deserve the freedom to marry" and I held it up with pride! I met a couple from San Leandro and a guy from San Diego and the mood was excited. We outnumbered the 'other' side by at least three to one!

When we got the word that Prop 8 was not rejected (although the 18000 marriages that were performed were going to remain legal - congrats to them!!) we decided to do a little peaceful protesting!

The clergy were amazing. They all sat and linked hands (when they weren't texting!) and when the police started making the arrests, they all stood and offered themselves as the first ones to be taken. We were singing "We shall not be moved" and it was beautiful. I wish I didn't have my little legal issues hanging over my head, I would have been right there on the ground!! As it was, 170 people were arrested and PROUD to be. We cheered each one as they were taken away. I loved this one.... The Bride (who can't legally marry her girlfriend) wore white to the arrest!!

Something sort of cool to note, when the circle first formed, all of the police that took the center of the ring were also Gay, Lesbian or Transgender. I thought that was sort of cool for the SFPD to let them stand there for the hour that they allowed the protesting before they started to make the arrests.

After the arrests were made, I went to grab a bite before the march. We were going to march from the Civic Center to the MLK monument. I loved the march, it was a chance to walk and chant and be seen by a BUNCH of people. At the end, we had a rally and it was wonderful. The whole park was just full of love. We all were disappointed but everyone was determined to fight.

This woman was in the cold for hours, she stood on that ledge with "Stripped of My Rights" written on her body, it was just one of many moving protests.

All over twitter, people keep quoting Abraham Lincoln, 'Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it." He would have been fighting Prop 8 right along side us....

So I got fired by my sponsor today... how does that happen when I was going to fire her??

I had an appointment with my doctor, I am in a cast currently for my wrist and might have a staff infection (sp?) and I told my sponsor that I would change my day to tomorrow for our meeting and she freaked out? She said she would have moved mountains previously for her sponsor so the fact that I was unwilling to do this for her was unacceptable.... How does this happen?? Is sobriety only expected in the world where nothing just happens and everything can be scheduled??

Guess not in my life.... plus typing this in my new cast/stabalizer suxors...

Huggs all!!!
Jen

Hi all, just thought I'd update this for a few seconds while I try and figure out how to spend my day...

So my step-dad got arrested yesterday. Eight cops showed up on his doorstep to take him away for kiddie-porn.... I couldn't make the shit up that happens in real life... Consequently, I went FOUR meetings yesterday. Not because I'm worried about my step-father (he made his bed, sent images to undercover officers and is totally guilty apparently) but I'm worried about my Mom. It's sort of a new experience, being worried about her, she has always been the person who I knew would have it all together and would take care of me. Now she is going through all of this and I might get to be strong for her.

More later, this is all too fresh to really talk about. My brain keeps going to dark places and my sponser is meeting me for breakfast.

Hugsssssssss! Jen

Did you know that HBO is doing a documentary on the alcoholic??? I am watching 'relapse' people and sooooooooo thinking that they could be talking about me. There are so many people that decided to drink again and I'm one of them.... I just didn't want to stop drinking. I don't know why, I just decided that the f'it's (f= a four letter word) had more power over me than everything. f-it cause I want to drink, f-it cause I am not attracted to my husband, f-it because I just have no idea what to do next....

My husband decided to tell me that my family decided to not keep in touch with me because they were tired of me drunk dialing them and I believed him, then once I talked to my sister, I found out that he just said that because he was piss@d... so there you go, he's mad at me for being addicted to alcohol and then he takes my family away and I believe him because my self-esteem is shot... session finished

Mommy, I wish I had been honest about what my life was like and I wished you had not listened to my husband instead of me.... hope we talk, soon....

huggs!!! Jen

When you do the right thing, good things happen! (Most of the time!)

I've been avoiding my friends since I got sober. Not because they are big drinkers, because they aren't... It's because they ALL know that I went through rehab and I just didn't want to face them. There is so much shame associated with being an alcoholic. If I had cancer, I wouldn't feel shame. Since I'm an alcoholic, I somehow feel responsible for my disease and the chaos that it caused so I just isolated myself from everyone that cared for me.

Soooooo, a friend of mine decided to join the army. Scary right???? He's in his 30's, unemployed in California and decided to join up! He's heading to boot camp and then to language school (probably to learn Korean after what happened tonight!!) and we might not see him again. He's one of the people who I haven't seen since I checked into rehab and I've missed him but not enough to face my fears.

Long story short (not really - you know me, I'm going to type and type and type!), they had a going away party for him last night. I was going to send Donovan, alone. I was using the excuse that there would be drinking there and I was still feeling fragile but that is bullshit. I just knew that there would be a bunch of my friends that 'knew' my secret shame and I couldn't face them.

We went to see Monsters vs. Aliens (AWESOME movie, by the way! See it in 3d and Imax if you can!) and then Donovan was going to go. I was feeling so good after laughing through the movie I decided to go to the party. I am now so very glad I did!!! It was an amazing night! We played board games (everyone should get the game Pandemic - it is AWESOME!), there was great food and great conversation and some gut-wrenching laughter. There was some drinking and I would be fibbing if I said that I wasn't tempted but I stuck to water all night and so did Donovan (he is such a dear - he's a 'normie' but is quitting drinking right with me!).

At the end of the night, everyone hugged me so hard and a couple mentioned how much they had missed me... I discovered the truth, that my mind makes everything worse than reality could ever be. I don't know what I was expecting. A mob with torches and pitchforks screaming "burn the alcoholic!!"?? I would never have rejected a friend just because they were struggling with alcohol and yet I expected all of my friends to shun me! I think I just don't feel worthy of their friendship... Shame rearing it's ugly head...

In the end, it was awesome. It proved me wrong and it's a rare thing to have that happen and love that it did!!

Yay!! I might just survive!!

I'm finally able to breathe... My cold turned into a flu which turned into bronchitus which caused my asthma to flare up so I've been totally out of commission for the past few days. I am a really bad patient... there is only so much Tivo a girl can sit through without going crazy!

So today I woke up to a beautiful, California day and felt the urge to get out of the house. I put the top down and drove to a noon meeting (something I NEVER do, even though my friend Kate always bugs me to meet her there!). In walks my good friend Nick who I went through rehab with. I just gasped and said "I didn't know you go to this meeting!" to which he replied, "I don't!!". It turns out he was there to support a 'newbie' who has three days under his belt. The meeting was great, the new guy was really nice and afterwards we all went out to lunch and Nick paid! We talked for hours and sat in the sun and had such a nice time. It's amazing how you can wake up with no plans at all for your day and just through luck or fate or whatever you want to call it, you end up having something really special happen.

Maybe that's one of the great gifts of sobriety, that I have the clarity to see the little things in life that give me joy. I was passed out for most of the past several years and I'm pretty sure I missed some pretty important shit along the way.

In other news, I took the drug test/breath test so I can go back to work. It was sort of nice to be able to take one of those tests and not sweat the results. Now I'm going to have to meet with my 'big boss' and find out what she plans to do with me. Everyone at work knows what I've been through and I don't feel ashamed at all, in fact I plan to be very open about my experiences so that I might be able to help other people. I just wish I had been able to control the information. I'm really pissed at my boss that she let the information out but there is nothing I can do about it. It will all work out in the end so I'm not going to worry about it.

Yay!! Donovan wants to go out tonight so maybe I'll review a movie tomorrow!

Hugs!
Jen

Poor Poor Pitiful Me!

I should post a photo of what I look like today but I'm afraid that the sheer number of people being brought into the emergency room having ripped their eyes from the sockets will be traced back to me and those are medical bills I just can't cover!!

I am FINALLY getting over this stupid cold. I broke down and went into the Doctor yesterday (I hate doctors and double-double-hate-hate dentists!) Donovan got the same cold and bounced back in two days. I got sick last Saturday and am still miserable! There is no justice... Now that I'm beginning to feel better, the rain will start again.

I also can't find the food network on my tv...

I have a delivery of organic veggies wilting in front but can't be bothered to go get it...

I thought I lost my debit card and had the bank send me a new one then Donovan found it in the bed (and I still don't have the new one!!)...

The Girl Scouts are selling cookies... (This one should be GOOD, but I can eat a box of those somoas in like, 3 seconds! Plus they are so cute! It should be against the law to have so many cute kids trying to raise money outside the supermarket!)

Rogue (the 'killer' pit bull mix that I want to go through a service animal course with) will not stop trying to lick off my toes... It's like she knows I'm sick and she is trying to make me feel better. It would be fine if my toes weren't so ticklish!!

26000 teachers have gotten pink slips in Cali.... Where is their bailout?? I don't care how you feel about politics. These people are shaping the minds of the people who will be taking care of the world in the future. How is it possible that we think that they are expendable???? (alright, I know I cheated, this isn't really a 'pitiful me' thing but I am just so depressed about it)

Finally, I had a really crappy relapse prevention group Wednesday night. One guy showed up drunk, they breathalyzed him and sent him home. One girl showed up and made it most of the way through the meeting but once she spoke, it was obvious that she was messed up so they tested her (her thing is opiates) and kicked her out of the meeting. When I left she was still in with one of the therapists on the unit. Then two other people admitted that they had relapsed last week too. It was just depressing... PLUS I was sick so I got to sit there, being miserable and depressed and not get a lot out of the meeting. I didn't go to a meeting last night but I'm going to try and get to one tonight.

I'm probably some sort of typhoid Mary, bringing illness to an AA meeting near you soon!!

Alright, I feel better for having vented this. On a good note, I found out this afternoon you can self-publish through Amazon.com. There is no rejection slip or editors to worry about. You just go to the 'Book' section and then scroll down to the bottom of the page (after taking a peek at the Kindle 2 - drooool) and follow the 'Self-Publish With Us' link and yes you too could be a published author!!

I'm still resisting the whole e-book thing. Someone needs to make a waterproof one for me so that I can read in the tub - THEN we will talk.

Hugz all!

Jen

PS - follow me on Twitter! Geminiwench

It's so funny, yesterday was one of the best days I've had in years, and then I ended up being in one of the WORST meetings.... go figure...

I started the day at the Supreme Court building. There was a Prop 8 rally because the court was hearing testimony to over-rule the proposition. This is something I feel strongly about, even though I'm hetero. I think that everyone should be able to be married! There is nothing 'sacred' about the relationship between Donovan and I and our marriage is in no way 'threatened' by ANYONE getting married. In fact, there are plenty of 'regular' marriages that give marriage a bad name to begin with! The thing that I felt most strongly about the rally was that our side was all about love and equality and the other side (the marriage = 1 man & 1 woman side...) was just full of abuse! They were spouting how we were all going to hell and perverts and it was just ugly. The worst I heard from our side was a woman shouting "judge not lest you be judged (you idiots - said low enough that they couldn't hear on the other side - it was making me giggle).

Then I went and did the tourist thingy and rode the cablecars around. It's one of my favorite ways to get around San Francisco. I always learn something about the city or find some neat little place. It was a nice way to kill some time before the pie fight.

Then the pie fight!! It was soooo awesome! I was there alone and knew I had a meeting to go to so I couldn't participate but I had so much fun watching! (I even got just a bit of shaving cream on my sleeve for good measure! I couldn't go away COMPLETELY clean!) It felt so good to laugh as hard as I did. It seems like it's been ages since I felt human enough to laugh and really have a good time.

Then the meeting. I officially made my 30 days yesterday. I would have more but I had that unfortunate relapse 48 hours after leaving rehab (when I fuck something up, I do a good job!!). I wanted the group meeting to be the perfect end to the perfect day but I was just bored! Normally we talk about recovery and I get a little bit out of it but last night it was a bunch of talk about legal cases and construction work and I didn't even end up sharing. The funny thing about meetings, no matter if they are AA or continuing recovery, it seems like the ones you look forward to are the ones that are duds and the ones you don't want to go to are the ones you get the most out of... Story of my life!!

Hugz!

Jen

"This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen... in at least 8 months" - South Park

I love this show, there is just something right about waking up to Cartman saying "Ten dollah, sucky sucky?"

I declare shenanigans on today... My morning should consist of laundry and cleaning but I can't be motivated to do more than twittering and listening to Daft Punk (who are doing the Tron 2.0 soundtrack!!! YAY!!) Of course, listening to Daft Punk makes me want to move around my house, thereby making me WANT to get up and clean and thereby negating my initial desire to just sit and twit. Ahhh the sweet dilemma.

On another note, since I had to look up how to spell dilemma (I had some 'delema' thingy going, I am SUCH a bad speller!) I thought I might bring you the word of the day:

parry \PAR-ee\, verb, noun:1. to ward off; turn aside (as a thrust or weapon)
noun:1. the act of warding off
I am not saying the whole group's survival is at stake. But we have to act today if we are to parry the harder onslaught of our competitors tomorrow.-- Bernd Pischetsrieder

Sort of disappointing, I never look at the word of the day and then I get something like parry! Between my World of Warcraft and D&D games, I am well aware of the word parry and it's uses. Couldn't have been something like lachrymose or minatory...

Oh well, like I said, SHENANIGANS!! (Now, where is my broom???)

Hugz,
Jen

PS - do you twitter?? Follow me as Geminiwench

Ugggg, I finally have a pretty day of sunshine and then I have to spend it car shopping. I hate to car shop, even with vehix (which is REALLY helpful!). Load me with vehix and carfax and toss in a pinch of consumer reports and I almost don't need a test drive. Only problem is, we went to look at my dream car (a convertable bug!! I have always wanted a flower vase right on my dash!!) and it turns out that they listed it as an automatic and NOT the manual that it turned out to be...

I KNOW how to drive a manual transmission. My first car was a Yugo (I was paying for something from some past life with that one...) and I loved the freedom of a manual transmission when I lived in SOUTH DAKOTA. Now I live in Northern Cali, in the home of some of the worst traffic ever and I can't imagine having a manual transmission here!

So now I'm back to the start. Searching for a convertable (it HAS to be a convertable!) that I can drive, that get's pretty good gas mileage and seats at least 4. The miata is fun to drive but we really need something that we can take people in. I hate car shopping.

To top it off, I now have to run to relapse prevention, they will probably pick me to do the random UA because it has just been one of those days!!

Donovan, on the other hand, got to hang out at home and continues to do so... I went so wrong on my career path somewhere!!

Hugz!
Jen

PS - Do you twitter? Follow me, I'm Geminiwench!

First Post....

I added an app to my phone today called "Friends of Bill". For those of you who don't know, Bill is my friend. He hasn't been alive for decades and yet he's a friend of mine...

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I have 16 official days of sobriety, at least that's what my phone says! I trust my phone to know because my brain doesn't function too well lately... I could have over 60 days but I had a bit of a hick-up after rehab. I'll talk more about it later.

For now, just know that I don't only plan to journal in this blog. I do need some sort of outlet for both my feelings and my creativity. Plus I have always wanted to expose all of my innermost feelings and thoughts to complete strangers!

Buckle-up, this is the year I not only get sober, but I also am turning 40 and thinking about going back to school, it should be a bumpy ride!

Jen

PS - do you twitter?? I'm Geminiwench on twitter - follow me!