Hi all, just thought I'd update this for a few seconds while I try and figure out how to spend my day...

So my step-dad got arrested yesterday. Eight cops showed up on his doorstep to take him away for kiddie-porn.... I couldn't make the shit up that happens in real life... Consequently, I went FOUR meetings yesterday. Not because I'm worried about my step-father (he made his bed, sent images to undercover officers and is totally guilty apparently) but I'm worried about my Mom. It's sort of a new experience, being worried about her, she has always been the person who I knew would have it all together and would take care of me. Now she is going through all of this and I might get to be strong for her.

More later, this is all too fresh to really talk about. My brain keeps going to dark places and my sponser is meeting me for breakfast.

Hugsssssssss! Jen

Did you know that HBO is doing a documentary on the alcoholic??? I am watching 'relapse' people and sooooooooo thinking that they could be talking about me. There are so many people that decided to drink again and I'm one of them.... I just didn't want to stop drinking. I don't know why, I just decided that the f'it's (f= a four letter word) had more power over me than everything. f-it cause I want to drink, f-it cause I am not attracted to my husband, f-it because I just have no idea what to do next....

My husband decided to tell me that my family decided to not keep in touch with me because they were tired of me drunk dialing them and I believed him, then once I talked to my sister, I found out that he just said that because he was piss@d... so there you go, he's mad at me for being addicted to alcohol and then he takes my family away and I believe him because my self-esteem is shot... session finished

Mommy, I wish I had been honest about what my life was like and I wished you had not listened to my husband instead of me.... hope we talk, soon....

huggs!!! Jen

When you do the right thing, good things happen! (Most of the time!)

I've been avoiding my friends since I got sober. Not because they are big drinkers, because they aren't... It's because they ALL know that I went through rehab and I just didn't want to face them. There is so much shame associated with being an alcoholic. If I had cancer, I wouldn't feel shame. Since I'm an alcoholic, I somehow feel responsible for my disease and the chaos that it caused so I just isolated myself from everyone that cared for me.

Soooooo, a friend of mine decided to join the army. Scary right???? He's in his 30's, unemployed in California and decided to join up! He's heading to boot camp and then to language school (probably to learn Korean after what happened tonight!!) and we might not see him again. He's one of the people who I haven't seen since I checked into rehab and I've missed him but not enough to face my fears.

Long story short (not really - you know me, I'm going to type and type and type!), they had a going away party for him last night. I was going to send Donovan, alone. I was using the excuse that there would be drinking there and I was still feeling fragile but that is bullshit. I just knew that there would be a bunch of my friends that 'knew' my secret shame and I couldn't face them.

We went to see Monsters vs. Aliens (AWESOME movie, by the way! See it in 3d and Imax if you can!) and then Donovan was going to go. I was feeling so good after laughing through the movie I decided to go to the party. I am now so very glad I did!!! It was an amazing night! We played board games (everyone should get the game Pandemic - it is AWESOME!), there was great food and great conversation and some gut-wrenching laughter. There was some drinking and I would be fibbing if I said that I wasn't tempted but I stuck to water all night and so did Donovan (he is such a dear - he's a 'normie' but is quitting drinking right with me!).

At the end of the night, everyone hugged me so hard and a couple mentioned how much they had missed me... I discovered the truth, that my mind makes everything worse than reality could ever be. I don't know what I was expecting. A mob with torches and pitchforks screaming "burn the alcoholic!!"?? I would never have rejected a friend just because they were struggling with alcohol and yet I expected all of my friends to shun me! I think I just don't feel worthy of their friendship... Shame rearing it's ugly head...

In the end, it was awesome. It proved me wrong and it's a rare thing to have that happen and love that it did!!