I've been avoiding my friends since I got sober. Not because they are big drinkers, because they aren't... It's because they ALL know that I went through rehab and I just didn't want to face them. There is so much shame associated with being an alcoholic. If I had cancer, I wouldn't feel shame. Since I'm an alcoholic, I somehow feel responsible for my disease and the chaos that it caused so I just isolated myself from everyone that cared for me.
Soooooo, a friend of mine decided to join the army. Scary right???? He's in his 30's, unemployed in California and decided to join up! He's heading to boot camp and then to language school (probably to learn Korean after what happened tonight!!) and we might not see him again. He's one of the people who I haven't seen since I checked into rehab and I've missed him but not enough to face my fears.
Long story short (not really - you know me, I'm going to type and type and type!), they had a going away party for him last night. I was going to send Donovan, alone. I was using the excuse that there would be drinking there and I was still feeling fragile but that is bullshit. I just knew that there would be a bunch of my friends that 'knew' my secret shame and I couldn't face them.
We went to see Monsters vs. Aliens (AWESOME movie, by the way! See it in 3d and Imax if you can!) and then Donovan was going to go. I was feeling so good after laughing through the movie I decided to go to the party. I am now so very glad I did!!! It was an amazing night! We played board games (everyone should get the game Pandemic - it is AWESOME!), there was great food and great conversation and some gut-wrenching laughter. There was some drinking and I would be fibbing if I said that I wasn't tempted but I stuck to water all night and so did Donovan (he is such a dear - he's a 'normie' but is quitting drinking right with me!).
At the end of the night, everyone hugged me so hard and a couple mentioned how much they had missed me... I discovered the truth, that my mind makes everything worse than reality could ever be. I don't know what I was expecting. A mob with torches and pitchforks screaming "burn the alcoholic!!"?? I would never have rejected a friend just because they were struggling with alcohol and yet I expected all of my friends to shun me! I think I just don't feel worthy of their friendship... Shame rearing it's ugly head...
In the end, it was awesome. It proved me wrong and it's a rare thing to have that happen and love that it did!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I'm so glad that you went. Sometimes we are our hardest critic. I know how you feel. Sometimes we are so ashamed of ourselves that we just naturally expect others to feel the same way. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have come a long way. Look at you! It takes courage and guts to admit that you need to go to rehab, many people don't make it to that step. You need a strong support system and I'm sure that some of your friends want to be that for you. Don't hang your head in shame, keep your head up and pat yourself on the back! You have more courage than I do!
ReplyDelete